Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
