Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
