In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
