At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm just crazy horny about you
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize