some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
