Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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