Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
