Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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