he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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