Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
