Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
