I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
