so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
