mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
