I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
