I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
