Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
