I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
