I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
