i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
