OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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