There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
