I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
