oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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