i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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