Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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