don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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