I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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