This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
