last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
