I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
