Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize