This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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