I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize