So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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