i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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