I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
