We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
