I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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