i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
