hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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