I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
