New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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