So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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