Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
