I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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