I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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