pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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