So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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