Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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