I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize