I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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