I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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