he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
