I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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