I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In America we eat man semen.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize