you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
